Five strange replies when someone says ‘I love you’…

Of late, I am growing myself fond of philosophy. And now that I am done with my first two articles, I am running to this early conclusion that I am fully grown to be a full time philosopher.

Are talent bhi kuch hota hai.

When the first female was born to this world, god sent her with a thousand page instruction manual on how to handle them with care. But over the centuries, pages of that manual went missing and now only a few are left to share with humanity. The first page of that manual says,

''To understand what goes inside the tiny little head of a girl is to imagine an internet browser with 2457 tabs open, all at once''

So this week’s article is about the things said and things which are deep hidden behind the words you hear. Ever curious to find the real meaning behind a woman’s reply when you say to them, ‘I love you’. Well in this case, I is you and you is them and them is that girl. Confused already? You’re about to be soon. Here is a list of those strange, confusing, intriguing and yet simple replies of a girl to a boy.

1&2. Yes and No: these replies are the simplest, yet have duality to each. If a girl says yes, then she means no, and if says no then she means yes. You see, girls are confused in their basic thinking and only way they make a guy believe is by confusing him too. These clear understandable replies come with some consequences, with a hug and a preferable kiss on the cheek following a yes and a plausible slap to come next alongside a no. However the extremities of these reactions to follow depends on the individual chick.

3. Let’s just stay friends:  This line coming from a girl’s mouth is no short of a Brahmastra or a nuclear weapon which is capable of single handedly destroying countries like Somalia and Bangladesh. Beings friends with a girl is like finding yourself standing on a highway. With one side leading to a place which looks somewhat like hell and the other side literally feeling like one.

When a girl says this to any guy, at any point in life, it’s a guy’s dharma to accept his own mistake whatever the situation maybe. A woman might be many things, including arrogant, mistimed, ugly and even downright stupid, but she is never-ever wrong. Wise men always say this, fool are those who try to fight with them even long before knowing the outcome of the fight.

4. You deserve someone better: This one is rhetorical. You deserve someone better in a girl’s language means go home loser, you don’t deserve me and if for god Christ Jesus Krishna Hanuman’s sake you try to ask me the reason for it, I guarantee you will regret it for the rest of your miserable life, you son of an illiterate mother and a dumb father. This is what four words are equivalent to in a girl’s dictionary.

Few years ago Bill Gates was working on an intricate software to convert simple text to what it means in a woman’s world. No one knows what happened to that software, was it ever made or not, but a week later bill gates announced his retirement from Microsoft. It is also rumored from various unreliable sources that the partners of his in this project went missing too and never made home again.

5. Dead silence: This is the last weapon commonly found in a woman’s pocket, but highly lethal. A girl’s silence does not mean victory to you. It just means that you are in a grave danger of adding late before your good name.

When you ask a question or say something to a girl, to which she remains silent it means one and only one thing and no other meaning could ever be pulled or pushed out of it. When you are able to make a girl silent, that does not mean you are right, it only counts for something which the girls don’t want to know and boys will never be able to know. This is probably the biggest life lesson that you will ever learn, don’t give any advice to a woman. One should only give things to a woman which she could wear to a party and nothing else, if they want to live happily ever after.

Pawan sharma has been in love 27 times with 25 different girls and the last time he said something to a girl, it ended up in a bomb blast in Iraq (no idea of where it came from or what that means, if any). So next time when you are about to say something to a girl, be prepared for the worse scenario and hope for the best possible outcome and do write back to me about your experience at www.ladkiyo ko kaun shamjh paya hai.com

Life stays running ahead of Rajdhani…

Kya apke pass do minute hai?

Are you living your life twice the speed of a bullet train? Are you fed up of your so called life’s routine that you have decided to do five day work in just a matter of few hours, that you want to live your whole life in just a decade or so and have no clue whatsoever what next to plan for. Because that is exactly what you are trying to make your life, a complete mess.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? If yes, then spare a moment or two out of your busy lives and listen to me for some wisdom. Suno, Suno, Suno…

Okay that was not called for, but on a funnier note (no more jokes ahead, this week’s column is serious). You don’t know me, but I know you all very well. You have planned out your entire life. Born to this world, then twelve years of school, four years of college, a couple more years of further studies and then your dream come true. A nine to five job, sitting in the same chair looking at the same irritating boss of yours Mr. Chadha, for the rest of your life.

Isn’t this which you have always dreamed of? But amidst all this have you lost the way of how to live and live the way you are supposed to live (enough live in a sentence). Have you gone completely insane over life that all you wait for in life is a Sunday? Here is a few tips to live your complete life like a big Sunday.

1.       When life gives you lemon, make lemonade: First and foremost a disclaimer. Please for the sake of world peace, don’t take the literal meaning of this above statement. What it actually means is that life will give you tough times, but the best way to come clean of it is to be optimistic and by adding some sweetness to the bitterness of life.

Sadness and sorrows are part of one’s life, as much as joy and smiling are. A rose is no rose, if it has no thorns surrounding it. The darkness of a candle is unknown, until it is lit. But what is important to learn and remember is that difficult time pass and when it passes, a brighter morning will embrace your doorsteps.

2.       Life is all about living in the breaks: lifetime is a collection and addition of small breaks sewn together to provide a happy ending together. And if you are too busy in life, then live in the little moments that life itself presents you by.

Anyone of you remember the childhood days when we didn’t knew the worth of time, yet we had that worthy satisfaction of living. The forty five minutes bus journey every morning from home to school and then back home, and immediately before that the five minute run from home to the bus stop. And all that while when you were running you had only one thought in mind. Kahin bus miss na ho jaye aaj?

Those lunch break in school where unending gossips and talks were continued over a samosa or Bhindi ki sabzi, which was in your tiffin box. But as we grow old those breaks turn shorter and shorter or so as we think. Truth is, those breaks are still there in our grown up life, all we have to do is see them with clarity. And when we realize the importance of those shorts break in life, it’s then when we understand the importance of life on a bigger scale.

3.       Everything happens for a good cause: As my favorite teacher always says and I quote, ‘God kept things in order, I always tell my young students’. Sometimes in life, things stop making sense, but it doesn’t mean that it is all bad. God never leaves anyone’s life empty. God makes sure of replacing the thing which you have lost with the thing which he has planned long ago.

If you live life as if you want to experience everything in a single lifetime, it’s not going to happen. You have to miss out on a few. There are strings which you have to let go off, in order for better things to happen in life. And be sure of that that good will happen to you if you are patient enough for it. Because good things happen to those who wait for it to happen and not who want it more.

Pawan Sharma was so moved while writing this that he drank twenty glass of lemonade in one go and then had to spent the rest of his day in a bathroom, nature was calling him on his phone. So he planned to take a loo break and live life there.

Things you’ll see in an Indian wedding…

                                                                                      

Shaadi Mubarak ho aapko.

To this day forth, the hundred and twenty six weddings I have been at, eighty seven invited and the rest of which I gate crashed, there are a few things worth noticing there and then come things which you can’t help but notice.

The bride and the groom, their parents and family, the hundreds of guests and things what not to say. Still through all this messiness here’s a list of few which you’ll definitely see in an Indian wedding.

1.       Bride and the groom: Not once in my life have I seen a couple getting married happy. They just don’t smile. Are bhai dukhi kyu ho? It’s like the rule of the universe, during the full course of their wedding ceremony it’s completely doomed for them to smile. To ask them the question, what’s bothering them is like asking yourself why sun come up every morning and drops down each night? It’s like asking why new born babies cry? You don’t ask these question, you just live by them.

I have a few hypothesis of my own to go by. And in least order of plausibility the reasons for their lifeless expression during the course of their own wedding are- Feeling hungry seeing everyone rushing to the food stalls, unhappy about the lack of attention they are getting, thinking about living with the same person for the rest of their life and this one unlikely but can’t rule it out, a possible eating disorder. 

Ek insan ya to khush hota hai, ya fir married.

2.       Annoying relatives: Is there anything more bothersome and irritating in this world then the moment when your pammi aunty walks right up to you in a wedding, pulls your cheek and say to you that you’re the next in line to get married. Or when Kuku uncle from your hometown asks you about your career choices even when he knows about them better than the government of this country knows how to fight inflation.

You neither recognize their face, nor remember the name, and how would you? You must have seen them years ago on one such wedding that you’re right now seeing them at. But all said and done, these pesky set of peoples are as important to the wedding process as much as the middle aged pundit ji with a white dhoti is required to carry out the wedding procedures.

Vivah sampann hua!!!

3.       Who the hell are you??? A few weeks ago I attended my third cousin’s second wedding. And the problems I faced there, I decided to write to the Indian Commission of Relatives, who specialize in tricky dealings with short and long distance relatives. The letter proposed a simple system which could deal with the problems I face, actually which we all have faced at some point in time at a wedding.

What happens when a relative is standing in front of you and you have absolute no idea what they are? Is the person in white crisp kurta with a big tummy standing besides the food stall all night, your chacha or mama? Is that woman in bright red langha intensely peeping at the camera man trying her best to give the best pose of her life, your masi or mausi? 

The system is simple in execution, hypothetically assume you have four aunts and five uncles to begin with. So rather than making things complicated by calling them with their common names, just call them by their IUPAC names. For example, your Pammi

Aunty becomes A1 and your Kuku uncle becomes U2. A and U standing here for the Aunty and Uncle, their relation to you, whereas the numeral speaks of their seniority. Old gets higher priority and hence the bigger number. Simple, right?

Pawan Sharma is deeply disappointed that the Indian Commission of Relatives haven’t responded to his request, but hopes to get a reply soon. Next time when you attend a wedding, do try this and write back to me how well it worked for you.

P.S.  if it backfires, then write to Indian Commission of Relatives and wait for them to reply. Wait karo ab...