Shaadi Mubarak ho aapko.
To this day forth, the hundred and twenty six weddings I
have been at, eighty seven invited and the rest of which I gate crashed, there
are a few things worth noticing there and then come things which you can’t help
but notice.
The bride and the groom, their parents and family, the
hundreds of guests and things what not to say. Still through all this messiness
here’s a list of few which you’ll definitely see in an Indian wedding.
1. Bride and the groom: Not once in my
life have I seen a couple getting married happy. They just don’t smile. Are bhai dukhi kyu ho? It’s like the
rule of the universe, during the full course of their wedding ceremony it’s
completely doomed for them to smile. To ask them the question, what’s bothering
them is like asking yourself why sun come up every morning and drops down each
night? It’s like asking why new born babies cry? You don’t ask these question,
you just live by them.
I have a few hypothesis of my own to go by.
And in least order of plausibility the reasons for their lifeless expression
during the course of their own wedding are- Feeling hungry seeing everyone
rushing to the food stalls, unhappy about the lack of attention they are
getting, thinking about living with the same person for the rest of their life
and this one unlikely but can’t rule it out, a possible eating disorder.
Ek insan ya to khush hota hai, ya fir
married.
2. Annoying relatives: Is there anything
more bothersome and irritating in this world then the moment when your pammi
aunty walks right up to you in a wedding, pulls your cheek and say to you that
you’re the next in line to get married. Or when Kuku uncle from your hometown asks you about
your career choices even when he knows about them better than the government of
this country knows how to fight inflation.
You neither recognize their face, nor
remember the name, and how would you? You must have seen them years ago on one
such wedding that you’re right now seeing them at. But all said and done, these
pesky set of peoples are as important to the wedding process as much as the
middle aged pundit ji with a white dhoti is required to carry out the wedding
procedures.
Vivah sampann hua!!!
3. Who the hell are you??? A few weeks ago
I attended my third cousin’s second wedding. And the problems I faced there,
I decided to write to the Indian Commission of Relatives, who specialize in tricky
dealings with short and long distance relatives. The letter proposed a simple
system which could deal with the problems I face, actually which we all have
faced at some point in time at a wedding.
What happens when a relative is standing in
front of you and you have absolute no idea what they are? Is the person in white crisp kurta with a big tummy standing besides the food stall all night, your chacha or mama? Is that woman in
bright red langha intensely peeping at the camera man trying her best to give the best pose of
her life, your masi or mausi?
The system is simple in execution,
hypothetically assume you have four aunts and five uncles to begin with. So
rather than making things complicated by calling them with their common names,
just call them by their IUPAC names. For example, your Pammi
Aunty becomes A1 and your Kuku uncle
becomes U2. A and U standing here for the Aunty and Uncle, their relation to
you, whereas the numeral speaks of their seniority. Old gets higher priority
and hence the bigger number. Simple, right?
Pawan Sharma is deeply disappointed that the
Indian Commission of Relatives haven’t responded to his request, but hopes to
get a reply soon. Next time when you attend a wedding, do try this and write
back to me how well it worked for you.
P.S. if it backfires, then write to Indian Commission of Relatives and wait for them to reply. Wait karo ab...
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